


Institution or A New Home

by slippyxslappy



Category: Original Work
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Developing Relationship, Drug Use, Established Relationship, Falling In Love, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gay, Gay Male Character, Gay Panic, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Male Homosexuality, Multi, Panic Attacks, Polyamory, Polyfidelity, Trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-25
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-17 19:29:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28979655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slippyxslappy/pseuds/slippyxslappy
Summary: When abused and traumatised, 16 year old, Freddie de Lore is shipped off to an institution in England, he meets 7 boys who may be able to change his life.While being both confused and broken, these boys introduce a whole new world of emotions to the young Freddie and maybe not just a bond of trust and friendship will be made?There are mentions of abuse, drug use, alcoholism, self harm, anxiety, depression and other mental health topics. This also contains a polyfidelity relationship between men. If you dislike any of this, please DO NOT read. You have been warned.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	1. Chapter One

Bruise. Bruise. Cut. Bruise. Burn. Scar. Scar. Oh, what else do we have here… Another bruise and an abundance of other injuries ranging from being minor and serious. It was a thing I had become all too used to over the 4 years it had been since I came out as gay. Well, I didn’t really come out myself. It was more of a picture someone had taken and posted all over social media of myself and this cute guy holding hands. It somehow got back to my parents and that was the night of my first beating. I remember writhing in pain and not being able to move let alone stand for a few days. No one seemed to ask questions about it either, but who was I to speak up.  
Only a few weeks ago had I turned 16. It had been a great day for my parents as they deemed it to be the day to announce my departure from their “home”. They were actually sober for once and after a few punches, kicks, slashes and scraps, they decided to say that in a few weeks I would be leaving their hands and being shipped off to an “institution” of sorts many many miles away. This leads us to the current day. I was knelt on a bloodied, wooden floor next to a medium sized duffel back that I was slowly filling up with the minimal clothing that I had; most being ripped or torn in places and some even having small faded red patches from a previous beating I had received. I placed the final grey, oversized t-shirt into the black bag and zipped it up the little clink as the metal zip reached the end filling up the silent room. I sat back on my ankles and pocketed the phone and headphones that lay beside me, wincing ever so slightly from the strain on my wrists after the activities that had taken place last night.

Walking down the stairs was definitely a task. The limp I had earned from the onslaught of kicks my legs had endured made the descent ten times worse than it should have been. I had the black duffel bag slung over my right shoulder and both of my hands steadied myself on the wall so I did not collapse and cause any unwanted noise. Upon reaching the last step, I breathed in through my nose and out through my mouth as slowly and quiet as I could to calm down my raging heart. It hammered against the cage that confined it in the darkness called ribs and it felt as though it would burst right out of my chest at any moment. I took a step on the landing below and removed my hands from the wall and into the little pocket at the front of my hoodie where my fingers entangled themselves together. Skin rubbing against itself to try and give me a distraction from the weight of nerves I was feeling.  
As I silently walked down the hallway, the smell of alcohol, weed and nicotine became stronger and much more apparent. The fumes, smoke and other suck lingering particles choked me even if it had been like this for years. I was still to get used to it… and I doubted I ever would. I paused midway and took a glance to the cracked mirror that hung loosely on the wall. I stared into the cursed eyes I bore. I was born with two different coloured eyes and at first they were loved by my parents but since the “incident” they had become a whole other reason for my parents to hate me. My right eye used to be an icey blue and my left a forest green. Now they were dull and old. Empty. Lifeless. Sullen. A mop of shaggy and uneven dirty blonde hair fell down to my chin. Each piece seems to be a different length to the rest. It used to be short, neat and smart. The blonde had natural highlights in every other strand, but that all disappeared soon enough. I hated how I looked. I was disgusting. I was fat. I was sick. 

I shook my head at the thoughts and turned my head to look at the floor as I carried on my walk to the room where all the horrid smells came from. The room was littered with empty bottles, ash trays, foil, rolled and unused joints as well as many drug containers. I stood in the doorway just in front of a pile of empty bottles. My feet were almost glued together as they were planted and unmoving from where I stood. My now shaking hands had receded from the safety of my pocket to resting on my lower back. My head faced the floor, whereas my eyes had sealed shut as I was too scared to do anything else with them. My teeth had begun gnawing on my lower lip and I didn’t notice how roughly it was happening until a small trickle of blood pooled onto my tongue. The metallic taste not bothering me and I just sucked the small cut only to go back to gnawing it just a few moments again.  
A car horn beeps from outside the window and I could imagine my parents turning their heads to the noise. I heard one stand up and move over broken glass and through empty bottles. There was a moment of silence and then there was a whirring sound. Something had been thrown and it was approaching me. The shattering of glass resonated through the measly room just to the right of me. Shards of glass bounced back and hit me, some pieces embedding themselves into uncovered skin. I flinched at the sound of heavy footsteps making their way towards me. I cowered my head even further into my chest and my eyes squeezed themselves shut even tighter than they already were. The slap of skin on skin echoed in my ears, but it was soon replaced by the sting and throb of a more than likely on coming bruise to the cheek. I tried my best to relax my tense muscles and took the strike as a sign to leave. No words had to be said as I turned and walked back down the hall I had just walked through. I knew that they were glad I was going. They didn’t love me anyway so I didn’t see the point. A stray tear left my eye and trickled down my stinging cheek and onto the floor below.  
‘When will this nightmare end?’

»»————- ♡ ————-««

The driver, I had to admit, was pretty sweet. He didn’t say much at all and didn’t ask any questions. All he did was change the music he was playing when appropriate and doing little things like car karaoke to lighten the mood. I liked to believe that as soon as I stepped into the back seat of the car covered in bruises, cuts and a red handprint on my cheek he knew that I wouldn’t be much of a talker; which I wasn’t. I rarely ever used my voice in fear of saying something wrong as that happened way too many times to actually count so I ended up not speaking at all just to save the trouble.  
I rested my elbow on the edge of the car window and I let my chin rest on the palm of my hand. My head was turned watching the lights blur past in the dark tunnel we were driving down. I had no idea where it led, but I did know that I was on my way to England. I was coming from France with both French and English heritage so I ended up learning both languages as well as BSL just from being interested in the way people would talk with their hands. It also gave me something to do in the late and early hours of the day when I had nothing else to do and I couldn’t sleep a wink.  
I sighed, turning my gaze from the flickering lights and closed them. I was exhausted from the very minimal sleep I was given and got, so I decided this to be the best time to catch up on what I had lost.

»»————- ♡ ————-««

I was jolted awake to the car slowing down to a stop. Seconds earlier it was crunching over a gravel surface and I took the moments I had to rub the sleep from my eyes and stare emptily at the house in front of where we had parked. It was huge and I mean huge! It was definitely something you wouldn’t see anywhere near the area I used to live in. It was beautiful, but something about it beauty unnerved me and I had a feeling that this beautiful house held a huge secret; morbid or not.  
The driver turned around to look at me with a soft smile and I immediately tilted my head to look at my feet when he did so just purely out of habit. I knew he wouldn’t do anything, but that fear of him doing a full 180 on me scared me shitless. I tried my best to calm the shaking hands that were tightly balled into fists on the seat. I could feel the tearing of skin as my nails dug into the flesh. I didn’t care though… it helped me in ways I couldn’t exactly explain so I continued to do it. Slowly I unclenched on fist and made my way to open the door, grabbing my bag in the process. I hopped out of the vehicle, hearing the crunch of my feet against the gravel driveway. I took a deep breath in and a slow breath out. I relished in the fresh air, finally not having to smell the horrid scents of alcohol and drugs almost constantly. It was a change and it was a nice one. I slung the black duffel bag over my shoulder once more and slowly approached the door so as to not aggravate my limp any further. The dark, wooden door loomed over my very small and slight frame. It intimidated me greatly even if it was just an inanimate object. I raised a very small and shaky fist to the door to knock, but before I could even hit the wood the door was opening. Its hinges cried as it was opened and soon enough a huge man stood in front of me. He had to have been over six foot. He was well over a foot taller than me and my head only just reached his chest. I risked myself to look up only to find sharp facial features, short black hair and a soft smile. His eyes were an ocean blue and they were much prettier than mine. I swooned at his handsomeness and swallowed in fear of what he may do to me. He may have looked kind with that smile of his, but I knew from experience that it was most likely just a facade he forced himself to put up which would be ripped off soon enough so he could beat me too. 

“You must be Freddie, correct? Freddie de Lore?” His voice was deep and absolutely gorgeous. The words he spoke rolled off of his tongue seamlessly, but as soon as he did speak my feet once again became the most interesting thing to me.

I nodded my head to confirm that I was the boy he spoke of. A large hand rested on my shoulder and I immediately flinched away from it as if it were a searing hot iron. I released a shaky breath I had been holding when he removed his hand slowly. 

“I’m sorry, Freddie. Well, my name’s Cameron and most of the boys here address me as either Cameron, Mr Conner or Sir, but you may call me as you like.” His voice was so smooth that just hearing it made me feel small, but I pushed away the feeling knowing that I couldn’t let that happen to me at this time.

I once again nodded and followed him inside when he made his way back into the house himself. He explained to me that there were six other boys in this house and that I would meet them at dinner time so I would have a few hours before then to freshen up and to settle in. The tall man guided me through the entryway and into a very large living room. I didn’t see much of the furniture as he led me further to the back of the room where a wide set of stairs lay. My eyes were trained on the ground for the entire walk up to a little brown door at the end of the hall. It was plain and nothing too exciting, but inside the little room was sweet. There was a double bed in the far corner with light grey sheets and covers. Next to the bed was a window seat where 2 light blue pillows lay and the rest of the room was rather bare apart from a wardrobe and a small desk along another wall. There was also another door next to the little wooden desk that I found out was a small bathroom with a shower, toilet and counter sink with a mirror resting above it.  
I nodded my head in appreciation to Mr Conner and listened in closely when he spoke.

“Dinner is in 2 hours so you have that time to do what you like. Just give me a shout if you need anything, alright.” He spoke softly this time as if I was some baby animal that he could scare away.

Once again I simply nodded, knowing that I would do no such thing as call out to him or even speak. He left just after that and I decided to take a shower to try look somewhat presentable when I met the other residents of this place.

»»————- ♡ ————-««

I now sat quietly at the table with seven other men; six of them I had yet to know. I didn’t once look up from my lap where my fingers were fiddling and rubbing the hem of my hoodie nervously. 

“Good evening, boys. This is Freddie. He’s 16 years old so please be gentle with him and I am going to place a no touch rule on him until he is the one to give you permission to touch him. Am I clear?” His voice held authority, but it was in such a way that he didn’t need to raise his voice to make himself heard. 

I could hear the echo of responses that the others gave him and they all agreed to what was said before they started to introduce themselves to me.

“Hey there, I’m Ethan and I am 22.” The man’s voice was gruff yet soft at the same time. It was somewhat similar to Mr Conner’s and it made me feel small inside. 

“My name’s Danny and I’m 20. It’s nice to meet you.” I could almost hear the smile in his voice and once again just from his voice he made me feel warm. It was strange. I didn’t know whether to be comforted by it or fear it. It was scary.

“Jaden. 19.” He was quiet and softly spoken which was sweet and caring. His voice was almost melodic even if he barely spoke two words. The rest of the boys seemed to follow their example and introduce themselves.

“The name’s Jed and I am 18!”

“Jake and I’m 18.”

“D-Dylan… 17.”

It was strange to be surrounded by so many people, but the way they spoke was comforting. I was scared, yet I felt safe in their presence. My mind was all over the place with the new found feelings. I nodded and sat in silence while the others made idle conversation with each other. Food started to be served by the older boys and Mr Conner and soon enough we were all eating and talking.  
After that nothing much else happened. No one tried to do something to me. No one did anything to make me uncomfortable and they didn’t mind the way I never spoke. I was glad and my body seemed to relax ever so slightly and soon enough I was headed to bed like everyone else only to find myself getting the very few hours I was used to getting.


	2. Chapter Two

“You are no son of mine.”  
“GET UP!”  
“I thought I told you to answer me when I speak to you!”  
“Disgrace…”

“Fr-”

“WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING!”

“Fred-”

“You ungrateful bitch.”

“Freddie!”

I was jolted from the trance I had been placed under. It was like a spell had been cast on me, but really I was reliving some of the worst memories I had of that place. I turned my head to see a very tall man with black hair and these forest green eyes. He had a muscular build, but it wasn’t in your face. He was very handsome and I could feel my stomach churn at the sight of him. I quickly noticed the concerned face he wore and mine turned into one of confusion before noticing the few tears that ran down my cheeks. I turned my head away and furiously wiped the salty liquid away. I sniffled quietly and rose from my seated position at the end of the bed. I wobbled a little on my aching legs and made my way over to the man at the door with my gaze lowered and hands resting on my lower back.

“Are you-? Nevermind… Come on, breakfast is ready.” His tone changed throughout the sentence, but I’m glad he didn’t ask me the question I always dreaded and weakened to. If my memory serves me right, this giant of a man is Ethan and his voice still had the same effect on me like it did last night.

We walked past many doors and eventually down the wide staircase. The dining room was full of chatter when we walked in and it soon died down just for a few moments as they became aware of our presence before going back to what they were doing. I looked up briefly so I could find a place to sit, which was in between a boy with dyed burgundy hair paired with dark brown eyes and another boy with sea blue hair and hazel eyes. They both smiled at me as I sat down as I could feel a small heat rush to my cheeks as they did, but I quickly shook it off and turned my gaze to my lap as to not be seen.   
I was nervous and I really didn’t know what to do even when a small pancake was placed onto the plate in front of me. I don’t think I had had one since the “incident” and I have honestly forgotten how they tasted. I tilted my head to the side like a dog would in question and from doing so I could feel the stares I was being given. I shrunk back in my seat at the feeling, thinking I did something wrong. Soon enough I could feel their stares avert and the clinking of cutlery could be heard from every angle of the table. I peaked up to see the two boys in front of me happily eating their pancakes and conversing with one another. A serving spoon appeared in my line of vision full with raspberries and blueberries. They were tipped carefully onto my plate and then the spoon was removed and probably placed back into the bowl it came from. The person who had done that was the burgundy haired bot to my right. I think someone had called him Jaden and I very briefly remembered his quiet nature from the night before. He seemed sweet and I was grateful for his action. Slowly, I moved my hands from my lap and picked up the knife and fork with shaky fingers. I brought them to the plate and cut a small bit from the golden cake and placed a lone raspberry on top. I moved the food to my mouth and my eyes widened at the taste. The pancake was sweet while the berry was slightly sour leaving a lovely aftertaste on my longue. I sighed in content, relaxing as I took another piece quite happily. I don’t think I had had food like this in a very long time. It was definitely a luxury for me and I just wished my stomach would be able to keep this down. However, I did not let that thought hinder me too much as I continued to eat, not even noticing the soft gazes the boys held on my small frame munching on the minimal breakfast I was having. 

»»————- ♡ ————-««

Everyone had finished eating just a few minutes ago and the boys I had come to match voice to face - Jake and Danny - had cleared up the plates. There was a quiet chatter going around the table and honestly it was quite relaxing listening to all of their voices; separately and together. I closed my eyes and let a long breath out only for my eyes to shoot open when my voice was called. I turned my attention to the head of the table where Mr Connor was sitting, making sure to keep my head lowered so I was never to make eye contact with him.

“May I speak to you in private, Freddie?” His voice was stern, but soft. The question holding no room for reply and actually being insinuated as a command of sorts.

I nodded and left the table with him, following him into a study just to the right of the living room/lounge. The room wasn’t huge, but it held a homely feel. Along the back wall there was a row of bookcases filled to the brim with different books; new and old. Just in front was a dark wooden desk holding a small desk lamp and landline phone. There was a large desk chair nestled into the gap between the draws held either side of the desk and two armchairs sat in front.  
Mr Connor made his way and sat down in the desk chair, motioning with his hand for me to sit opposite him. I complied and cautiously sat down, my hands violently shaking in fear of what was to come. I studied the elder man’s movements and watched as he brought out a little brown file from one of the desk’s draws. It was a file on me. I could tell as the little white sticker in the top corner read ‘Freddie de Lore’. I sucked in a sharp breath and sealed my lips shut, keeping my eyes glued to the file in between the both of us.  
I could feel his eyes on me, assessing what I was doing… trying to figure out what I was thinking. I wouldn’t let him see. I couldn’t let him see.

“Freddie, I would just like to talk to you a little about yourself. It’s nothing bad at all, okay. It’s something I have done with all of the boys here when they first came.” Mr Connor’s voice was soft and caring. He never seemed to miss a word or syllable, making sure I could make sense of it all.

I nodded in understanding and waited for him to continue with a more than likely onslaught of questions that I would not be prepared to answer. 

“I don’t want to frighten you or upset you, Freddie, but this is just a little talk we need to have so I can make sense of your situation and then find out the best ways to help you.” He paused for a moment, his eyes never leaving me. I could tell he wanted me to speak but I refused. I wouldn’t speak not after that. He sighed and I could almost hear the disappointment he held for me. I bowed my head in shame, but was surprised when a pen and paper was slid in front of me. He then continued to speak, “I can tell you don’t want to speak and that you may be mute due to trauma, so please write anything you can to help me… please.”

I couldn’t refuse. His voice was too soft for me to say no and the voices in my head kept saying that if I didn’t do so then I’d just get another beating that would be worse than all of the others. I nodded slowly and moved my hands to hold the pen and braced it to start writing when I needed to.

“From reading your file, I can’t see a lot and from meeting you I can tell that there are some very large gaps to fill. I won’t force you to answer everything today, but please come to me or one of the other boys if you become comfortable enough to share.” I nodded and hummed my response, “Okay, what I want to make sense of first are your hospital visits. I’m sorry Freddie, but they just don’t seem to add up. I can make some valid assumptions, but I can’t jump to conclusions, can I? All of them say that you tripped or fell down some stairs, but these injuries that you acquired are a lot more serious than what the doctors were told. I just want to know if these reports are telling the truth or not.”

I took a deep breath in and then out, lifting the pen and beginning to write out my response.  
I slipped the paper over to him and watched his eyes flick over the paper as he read.

‘No, they are fake. Just a lie to keep the truth under lock and key.’

Mr Connor looked back to me and we made eye contact just for a few moments, but I could see the pity in his beautiful blue eyes. I shook my head to try to tell him not to worry about it, but I gave up in the end when I knew he wouldn’t understand what I was trying to put across. 

“When I first made contact with your parents over the phone they told me that you were “trouble”, but from what I can see here is that you were traumatised by something that happened at home. I will not pry, but if you can give me any sort of insight into what happened then it would help me alot.”

The paper was slid back to me and I lifted the borrowed pen once more to write yet another response. This time when he read over the paper his face morphed into one of worry and concern. I turned my head to the floor and put the pen down so my hands could wring themselves together.

‘Alcoholics. Drug Addicts. What else is there to say to hint what they did…”

There was nothing else to say. Mr Connor let me leave on that note and all I really wanted to do was sleep, shower or do something else to pass the time without having to deal with social interaction.

»»————- ♡ ————-««

I managed to enter my room with no interruptions at all. I had no idea where the other boys had migrated to, but I was glad I didn’t bump into any of them. I moved to my black duffel back that lay at the bottom of my bed still not unpacked and I unzipped it, rummaging to the bottom of my clothes. A little bag containing what you’d think to be toiletries, which it was, but it also contained a small object I seemed to rely on quite a lot. I stood from my squatted position and walked into the bathroom. I flicked on the shower and turned the knob so the water was way hotter than it should be. I stripped down and stared at myself in the mirror. My ribs were poking out and so were my hips, collar bones and shoulders. The voices in my heads screamed. They never seemed to leave me alone. Not once was I given a break from them.

“Fat.”  
“Ugly.”  
“Lose some weight.”  
“No one loves you.”  
“No one cares about you.”

I shook my head and stepped into the shower with the small wash bag in hand. The water was scalding hot and I could feel the top layers of my skin screaming at me as they shrunk and burned. I winced at the burning feel, but I soon enough forced my muscles to relax into it. I took the scrub and body wash from my pack and scrubbed my skin raw. I needed to be clean. I need to cleanse myself from them. My body screamed in pain each time I went roughly over a bruise or cut. Some of the healing scabs ripped away from the skin and the warm flow of crimson blood leaked over pale skin. The pain was relaxing. It was the control it gave me that calmed me and brought me back to earth. I don’t know that I’d do without it at this point. I sighed deeply as I let the water run over and down my face, moving onto washing the grease and grime out of my hair.   
I felt clean when I stepped out. In areas, blood still leaked from the re-opened wounds but I soon took the time to find the first aid kit under the sink and wrap them up tightly with gauze and bandages. I just hoped no one would notice.

»»————- ♡ ————-««

Somehow I managed to fall asleep after my shower, leaving me to skip lunch as no one decided to wake me up. It was now about 5pm and I was sitting at the small window seat with one leg hanging down to the floor and the other bent up to my chest. I rested my chin on my bent knee as I gazed into the huge back garden that just seemed to stretch out onto the horizon. I didn’t think. I just watched. Observed. The silence was blissful as I watched the little birds dance and fly in the air.   
A soft knock at the door turned my gaze away from a pair of swallows chasing each other. I watched the door creak open and a small boy who I recognised to be Dylan come in. He was about 5 foot and 5 inches tall. He was slim, but not unhealthy. He was cute with his small smile and dazzling eyes. I stayed quiet and unmoving from my seat and watched him carefully.

“I- umm… Sir would like you to come down. We- we are having a movie night a-and we all w-want you to join.” Dylan stumbled over his words a little, but I understood him clearly. 

I could tell he had anxiety from the tremble in his hands and the shuffling of his feet so I said nothing and just stood waiting for him to leave my room so I could follow him.

As we entered the lounge area, I saw all the boys either cuddled together or on another’s lap. I didn’t know how to feel about it and many questions ran through my head, but it was cute nonetheless. I watched Dylan make his way over to Danny and cuddle into his side. The look they gave each other reminded me of the way mother used to look at father way back when. My mood saddened at the thought as old memories sprung to life like an old movie playing on repeat. I sighed sadly and moved over to where Jaden patted the empty spot next to him. He himself was sitting rather close to Mr Connor, but I didn’t let it bother me even if I wanted to ask them why they were so close. I quietly sat down in the corner, making sure I wedged myself as far as I could into the little corner of the sofa.

We ended up watching multiple films and ate a wonderful dinner on our laps. By the end of the mini movie marathon, most of the boys were asleep. I looked around to see that I was the only one to remain awake, but I was too tired to move up the stairs and to my room so I cuddled into myself and fell asleep.


	3. Chapter Three

I woke up to a very strange feeling. I was warm for once. I had somehow rolled onto my side during the night and I could feel something warm underneath and on top of my head. The thing on top was moving in a circular motion, playing with the strands of my dirty blonde hair. I didn’t think too much of it and honestly I didn’t want to as the feeling was slowly pulling me back to sleep. Movement. There was a shift under my head and the calming motion on my head froze its movement. I unconsciously whined from the lack of touch on my hair and the quiet shushing along with the resuming of motion made me realise that I was laying on someone.  
My eyes shot open. My body was frozen; all muscles ceasing to work. I could feel the invisible force pressing down on my chest, leaving the normal flow of oxygen to barely be there. My breaths quickened and the wheezing started. Horrible sounds leaving my chest and throat, making me sound like a dying cat. I could feel the movement around me and I could hear a muffle of voices and they spoke in a hurried tone, but nothing made sense. My hearing was dulled and my vision went blurry with a coating of tears. A panic attack. Something I had quite often, but never gotten used to. A mental state where nothing seems possible and that it’ll all just be better if it ended. I hated them. I had no control. The worst feeling to have. No control of the body you had. It was like all of your nerves and signals that travelled to you brain went places they weren’t ever meant to be. It was like that had taken the wrong route and been left at a dead end. They could last minutes. They could last hours. They could be minor, or serious. I could come out of them fine, or I could come out broken. You’d never know until it ended. Some had a cause; others just spontaneous. I hated those ones the most. Never having a reason for why it started. It wasn’t the nicest feeling.   
I felt like I could just stop breathing right then and there and then it’d all be over. I wouldn’t have to bother anyone then. I’d just become a corpse being reduced to bone or ashes to live in the ground for the rest of time; the only memory being a headstone with my name on it. 

My wheezing had quickly turned to sobs and the sobs to screams. I had regained some movement in my arms and my hands flew to my head, pulling and tugging at my hair. Memories flew back and forth in my mind, the years of abuse and bullying all rushing in as a flurry of images and videos. A mush of it all in my brain, yet I could vividly recall the names they called, the slurs they screamed down the hall… the torture they put me through.

“FAGGOT!”  
“SLUT!”  
“WHORE!”  
“Bet you fuck guys on the streets.”  
“Bet you shag the teachers to get your grades.”  
“DIE!!”  
“NO ONE WANTS YOU HERE!”

I couldn’t take it. All of the emotions I had bottled up over the years so I wouldn’t get an extra beating just spilled out. It hurt so fucking much. The emotional pain I was being put through in these moments was worse than any verbal abuse I went under… worse than the physical abuse that ended me up in hospital or struggling to stand. It all became too much for me to handle.  
The voices outside of my head never seemed to stop either. They never seemed to get closer or further away. They stayed in the same place constantly. I was never touched or moved, but I could feel the dip in the sofa next to me. Someone was sitting next to me. Not touching me. Not moving me. Not shouting at me or hitting me. They were quietly sitting there as my emotions whipped through me. They didn’t care or maybe they just in a different sort of way.   
The voices became a little clearer as time went on, but I was still unable to make sense of them. My laboured breathing was slowly evening out and my screams had quieted. Occasional sobs wracked my body, leaving me sniffling and hiccuping when they did. I was drained. I could barely keep my eyes open at this point. They slowly closed and my sight went dark. The voices were fading away pretty quickly and soon enough there was nothing. Silence. That was it for me.

»»————- ♡ ————-««

I don’t know how long I was out for, but when I woke up the sun was starting to set. My head was a little fuzzy and I could feel my mind drifting. I yawned, sitting up slowly and swinging my legs over the edge of my bed. Someone must have moved me while I was knocked out, which was understandable. I frowned at the thought of them seeing me in such a state and I prayed silently that they wouldn’t resent me for such an outburst. Tears formed in the corners of my eyes as scenes sprung to the front of my head. I watched them play out as all the boys screamed at me, doing a repeat of my school years. I cried silently, collapsing into a pillow so the occasional sob or whine would not be heard by anyone passing by.   
It took me a few minutes to calm down and I sat myself back up, wiping the few stray tears that still flowed along my cheeks. I sniffed a few times for good measure before standing up and moving towards my duffel bag. I didn’t feel like taking a shower so I just stripped from my jeans and baggy t-shirt that I wore, chucking on a large burgundy hoodie instead that almost reached my knees. I slipped on my only pair of pyjama shorts and left my clothing at that. I was too tired to bother with doing anything else. My stomach grumbled, reminding me I had yet to eat that day. That was my cue to leave the room. I walked out, opening and closing my door quietly as not to disturb anyone. I actually wanted to eat for once. The voices had left me and gave me some space so I took this as my chance to listen to what my body wanted. 

The kitchen was busy and by that I mean there was cooking, kissing and play fighting happening all at once. I watched from my little hideaway spot behind the wall as Danny and Ethan worked away at the oven, Dylan and Jaden sharing soft kisses every now and then, and Jake and Jed rolling around on the floor, laughing. To say I wasn’t surprised at the sight would have been a lie. It wasn’t like I was opposed to anything happening in that room… it just came as a bit of a shock. They all looked so happy together with their smiles and the laughter. I missed those days I used to have, but oh well… that was the past and the past can never be reversed. I sighed at the thought and it seemed that I sighed a little too loudly. Ethan turned to look at me from whatever he was stirring, smiling and gently motioning with his head for me to join him and Danny. I complied and cautiously stepped around the corner and made my way over to the two giants. 

“I’m glad you’re awake, Freddie, you gave us all a little scare this morning. How are you feeling?” Ethan spoke quietly to me. He was kind with his words and paced them slowly for me to understand. 

I nodded, still not ready to be speaking, but out of a small habit I raised my hands and signed. First I pointed to myself and then put both thumbs up. It meant ‘I’m good’. I didn’t really know what I was doing when I did that, but it seemed right so my body just did.

“I’m glad to hear that,” the tall black haired male spoke with a close-eyes smile, “Dinner will be ready in just a few moments so I hope you’ll be able to wait that long to eat.”

I nodded to confirm that I was okay with that idea, but at the mention of food my stomach growled and lowered my head covered in a light crimson from embarrassment. I moved away from what was going on at the stove and moved myself into the corner. I took the chance to think back to Ethan and I’s conversation and it suddenly dawned on me. My head shot up and I stared wide-eyed at him. By coincidence he was looking at me too. Ethan winked at me to confirm my thoughts and focussed back to the food in the pot. He knew BSL. 

»»————- ♡ ————-««

The food that Danny and Ethan cooked was gorgeous. I ate as much as could and I was proud of myself for that. I had been able to leave without too much of the fuss and no one tried to stop me. I don’t know if Ethan had said anything about what happened, but no one asked about my panic attack. All I got was smiles of understanding and they left it at that. 

I sat on the bathroom floor cross-legged for no reason whatsoever. I just felt like sitting there on the cold floor so I could just think. It probably isn’t the best idea to be letting myself think, but I felt like I needed it. I felt like something good may come out of it, but sadly nothing did. All of this thinking had made me feel numb. It made me feel empty like I was the void. I could hear, but I didn’t listen. I could see, but I didn’t want to look. I didn’t know what to do. I wanted so badly to reach into my bag and reach for the blade I had been neglecting, but I couldn’t find the urge to make myself move. I wanted to sleep, but I didn’t know if I was going to suffer with the nightmares my mind concocted. So instead I sat there, on the floor… thinking, but not about everything and nothing at the same time.

»»————- ♡ ————-««

I have no reference for time as I sit here so I could have been sitting here for seconds or minutes or hours. I didn’t dwell on it though. If it had been hours, then I knew my insomnia had kicked in and there would be no chance of sleep tonight. If it had been minutes, then I really didn’t know what was going on with myself or the world. Seconds… that was out of the question. 

The door opened. I must not have heard the knock. I watched with empty eyes as the small blue haired boy entered my room. He stood still for a moment and then turned to look straight at me. Dylan. He smiled gently and slowly made his way over and into the bathroom. He didn’t say anything to me or even to himself, he just sat down opposite me and stared. It wasn’t the uncomfortable sort of stare that made you want to curl up into a ball. It was more of a studying stare. The stare where you analyse someone to try to understand them as a person. I stared back and took in his features. He was cute with a small nose and plump lips, roundish cheeks and small ears. His hair reached just below his ears and his fringe brushed his eyelashes. He was small like me for his age, but he was still the taller one out of the two of us. He was quiet as well. A little like Jaden, but he seemed a lot more innocent than Jaden was. I gave in and finally averted my gaze. I heard Dylan sigh from across me and I turned to look at him, watching as he stood up and moved even closer until he passed me. I didn’t bother to turn around as I could tell that he had no ill intent for whatever he was about to do.   
It suddenly became apparent that his hot breath was on my neck. It tickled a little and made my baby hairs rise. I slowly and gently ghosted his hands around my hair and the nape of my neck just to let me know he was there, before carefully brushing his fingers through it. He did it slowly and gave breaks in between to start with, making sure I was okay with what he was doing, before fully playing with my hair. The feeling was relaxing and I found myself resting my head on his shoulder with no worry at all. My eyes had closed a few moments ago and I yawned as the sleepy feeling grew. 

“Dormi, Freddie. Dormi.”  
(Sleep, Freddie. Sleep.)


	4. Chapter Four

“Achooo!”  
“Bless you.” 

That was how I woke up the next morning. I had managed to sneeze myself awake only to be replied with a very sleepy voice from behind me. Their arms tightened around my waist and squeezed lightly, curling their legs further around my small frame. I wasn’t complaining about the position we were in as I was warm and actually relaxed. I didn’t know how to feel about it though. I felt strange at the position we were in, but it wasn’t the unpleasant sort of strange; it was a flutter in my stomach. I whined quietly to myself and rolled over so I faced the person who had me trapped in their hold. 

“Bonjour,” the familiar french accent filled my ears and I immediately knew who it was, “did you sleep well?”

I nodded sleepily and buried my head further into Dylan’s chest, breathing in his flowery scent. I felt his arms tighten around my lower back and the feeling of being protected washed over me. I smiled against the blue haired boy’s chest and I nuzzled into him a little. I felt his chest bubble up in a chuckle and I pouted at the way he laughed at me. It turned my small smile into a slight pout and I turned my head to look at him so he could see. At the sight, he only seemed to laugh a little harder and booped my nose saying something along the lines of me being “cute”. I furrowed my brow at that knowing that he was just lying or talking about one of the other boys in the house. I shook off the thought and closed my eyes, willing for more sleep to come.

»»————- ♡ ————-««

I woke up for the second time that day, feeling weirdly happy. It was definitely a strange emotion for me so I ignored it the best I could. I was alone in the room and the covers were cold so Dylan must have left a little while ago. I sighed and then yawned, getting up and changing into a large black hoodie and black ripped jeans. The hoodie almost reached my knees and the sleeves hung past my fingertips, giving me sweater paws. I yawned once more and brough my hands to my eyes, rubbing away the sleep before leaving the room to search for something to do.

All the boys seemed to be in the living room watching some TV series I had no idea about.They were all sat on the sofas cuddled up together. Honestly, it looked really comfy and warm to be huddled amongst them all. My heart yearned for something like that, but no. That sort of affection was something I would never be allowed. I didn’t deserve it. With that on my mind, I turned on my heel and rushed back to my room, locking myself in the bathroom. Silent tears rushed down my cheeks, strangled breaths turning into violent sobs. I couldn’t cope with these emotions. It was all too much for me to handle them. Didn’t deserve any of what these boys had. I just wasn’t good enough. I reached over to the counter and grabbed the small wash bag I brought in when I first arrived. As I unzipped the small ball, my mind was filled with their voices. The aggressive ones that would scream at me. The ones I hated the most.

“DO IT!”  
“You know you deserve it~ So. Do. IT!”

My hands were violently shaking as I reached into the bottom of the bag. The cold metal against my skin as I picked it up, steadied them very slightly. I brought out the razor and stared into the reflection it gave. Pale skin, dull eyes, tears. Dead. After that I can’t really remember too much, only the relief and the blood; the sting and the burn; then nothing.

»»————- ♡ ————-««

I went downstairs on my own that night for dinner. I didn’t know who cooked, but they made a variety of pizzas; vegetarian and meat based. I think they planned to have another “family” night after the meal and I was being dragged into it. I didn’t really mind that I was… it was just that I wasn’t feeling up to it. My wrists and forearms were burning from earlier and I can’t seem to remember if I cleaned them all properly. I don’t think I did…   
The conversations were somewhat lively tonight and there were laughs and shouts everywhere. I was glad that they weren’t paying too much attention to myself as then I was sure that they’d notice something off about me. I gave the few boys who looked at me or tried to talk to me the most genuine smile I could give and I continued to have conversations in my head with the voices that lived there. 

“Shut up.”

The table went quiet. I had just spoken… it wasn’t intended, but I spoke. I spoke my thoughts and knew there were going to be questions.

“Merde.” My voice was a lot quieter this time and my throat hurt from my lack of talking. The french word seemed to earn me a glare from Dylan and just lowered my head in shame. I didn’t want to upset him… or any of them really.  
(“Fuck.”)

Feeling all of the stairs on my tiny frame, I started to play with the sleeve of my overly large hoodie. The fabric kept riding up my arms and I didn’t even notice that there was any skin showing until a large hand gently took my hand into his. I didn’t know who it was, but I didn’t fight the light tug he gave for me to stand up. Slowly, I did so and I followed him out of the dining room and into a bathroom downstairs. I looked into the mirror that sat over the sink and saw the familiar looks of Jaden. He looked back at me softly and moved his hands down to my waist, but not making contact. It was like he was asking permission for him to touch me. I nodded and felt his hands move around my waist, lifting me as he did so. He placed me on the sink counter and moved his body in between my legs. The closeness brought a light blush to my cheeks and I watched as he carefully rolled up my sleeves. I could hear the sadness in his sigh and I looked away from what he was doing so I didn’t have to focus on him. Neither of us spoke as he cleaned up my fresh cuts. He disinfected them with antiseptic and then wrapped them, pulling my sleeves back down after.

“You can always talk to me if you feel like this, Freddie.” His voice was soothing and I knew he meant his words.

I nodded my head and let him lift me off the counter, placing a hand on my lower back as we walked back to the dining room to finish off our dinner.

»»————- ♡ ————-««

I found myself not being able to sleep that night. I just had this urge to be in someone’s arms and I didn’t know why, so here I was staring at my ceiling and stressing about it. I just didn’t know what to do with these feelings. I kept getting this warm and fluttery feeling in my stomach and I kept yearning for things that I had never even thought about before. It was all confusing me. I raised one of my hands to the ceiling and made a grasping motion into the air as if I was reaching and grabbing something. I don’t know what Iwas grabbing for, but I knew that I would sometime soon. Whether I would soon or after some time I didn’t mind, as long as it came to me.


	5. Chapter Five

We had migrated ourselves into the living not long after finishing dinner and Jaden made it his purpose to stay with me. He had managed to cage me within his legs on one of the large sofas. I would be lying if I said I was uncomfortable as I was far from it. I felt safe like this with my back to his chest and his legs crossed beneath me. It was a strange feeling, but I liked it nonetheless. I sighed and rested my head against the taller’s shoulder. I turned to the left of us and saw Ethan and Danny cuddled up close with Jake and Jed. They looked really happy together like that and somehow it brought a small smile to my lips. To our right was Mr Connor and Dylan on the sofa adjacent to us. Dylan was tightly curled up into Mr Connor’s side and the elder man’s arms were wrapped protectively around the younger’s waist. I let out a high pitched yawn which ended in a small squeak at the end, leaving me slightly embarrassed at the noise I had just made and the way all of the boys looked at me with a strange look. I turned my head and buried it into Jaden’s chest feeling the vibration in his chest as he chuckled, ruffling my hair as he did so. Eventually, the movie started to play and the famous Disney and Pixar introductions sounded; the little animations awing me. 

We had to have been half way through the second film when I started to fiddle with the small threads of the bandages Jaden had wrapped just a few hours ago. The cuts had started to become itchy, so I ended up playing with them.

“No, don’t do that, Freddie.” Jaden had placed his hands on top of mine and moved them into my lap, his warm hands enveloping mine. 

I nodded and looked down a little disappointed in myself for making him feel like he had to stop me. My eyes lowered into my lap where our hands were tangled and I took a slow breath in and pushed the ebbing tears away. They didn’t need to see me cry over such a small matter. The thing was that the way Jaden said and did certain things was making me feel small. It was like I just wanted to please him and do what he said. It wasn’t like the fear induced version my parents made me feel; it was a feeling of safety and protection. I felt like I could trust him and that I’d be fine with him doing the things he does to make me feel this way. But was I only feeling this with Jaden or was I feeling a similar thing with the moments I’ve had with Dylan and Ethan. I was just so confused. I didn’t know what the feeling was, but I knew it wasn’t a bad thing. It was just something I need to come to terms with to learn and understand. It’ll take time.

»»————- ♡ ————-««

We had once again all ended up falling asleep in the living room, but this time I awoke to see everyone cuddled up with each other. Somehow I managed to wiggle my way out of Jaden’s arms and dragged my feet into the kitchen. The clock sitting high on the wall just above the doorway read: 8:37am. It was way too early, but I just couldn’t find it in me to go back and cuddle. Rubbing my eyes, I set myself to work. I needed to do something while I waited for everyone to wake and with me being that kind of person, I decided to make a start on breakfast to give Ethan and Danny a break from their usual kitchen duty. I scurried my way around the kitchen, opening draws and cabinets; climbing counters and standing on chairs; measuring ingredients and everything else I needed to do.  
I was sitting on the counter top, swinging my legs back and forth as I waited for the pancake mix to rest. I could hear a small bit of movement coming from the living room and soon enough in came the six foot and four inches of Mr Connor.

“Are you making breakfast?” His voice was deeper than normal and slightly raspy due to the morning voice and it honestly sounded sexy. He moved his way and sat down in one of the stools next to me and flicked his gaze between me and the kitchen window.

I nodded and let my legs slow ‘til they were no longer swinging, lowering my head in a more so submissive way than in fear. His presence just reeked of dominance and I wasn’t really opposed to it… I guess I just wasn’t used to it and I felt the need to submit and behave when he was around. I turned my head up to look past Mr Connor’s eyes to read the time. 9:04am. I hopped off the counter and got back to work, oiling the pan and putting it over a medium heat. I scooped out a ladle of the batter and watched as it sizzled when I poured it into the searing pan. I kept the cakey breakfast item from sticking to the pan and I flipped it a few times to make sure both sides were cooked evenly before placing it onto a serving plate. I repeated this until all of the batter was gone and 16 pancakes were laying on a plate.

“I’ll go wake up the boys.” Hot breath tickled my ear and a pair of hands ghosted my hips. I flinched from the suddenness of the action and calmed down enough to nod to the man, whispering a small ‘Okay’ as well.

He seemed pleased with my response and left the kitchen to wake the boys, leaving me to finish up what I was nearly done with. As I scanned the counter, I realised I must have spaced out while I was cooking and didn’t realise that Mr Connor had cut up pieces of fruit and had already laid the table for all of us.   
The commotion in the living room that had started just a few moments ago only seemed to get louder as all the boys arose and started moving around. I busied myself with bringing in the last few plates and putting them down on the table and awaited for them all to enter the room.

“Oh, my god! Freddie, did you do all of this?” It was Jed, slightly over excited for some reason.

I hummed and nodded at the same time to clarify that I did, motioning to Mr Connor to insinuate that he helped too.

“Thank you, Freddie, this looks wonderful.” This time Danny spoke and came to sit beside me, lightly kissing the crown of my head as he did so.

The rest of the boys gave their thanks and we ate together happily.

»»————- ♡ ————-««

“Hey, Freddie, we were wondering if you would like to take a trip into town?” The blonde haired and blue eyed boy asked, “It would only be Jaden, Jed and I going, if you’re okay with that.”

I hadn’t even confirmed that I was going to join when he said the second half, but I nodded anyway, knowing it would be good to get out of the house just for a little while. I stood up from my sitting position on the floor and followed Jake to the door where Jed and Jaden were standing, waiting.   
The two males smiled at me and we left the house after saying a quick goodbye to the rest of the house members. We came onto the driveway and made our way to the silver BMW. Jaden was driving and Jed took shotgun, which left Jake and I in the back. I strapped myself in and held my hands in my lap as the other three boys spoke amongst themselves as Jaden drove us in the direction of town.

We had parked not too long ago and both Jake and Jed took it upon themselves to have at least one of them holding my hand as we walked through the quiet streets. It was a Tuesday afternoon and most people were working so the streets weren’t crowded like they would be on a weekend. Jaden stuck behind us, towering over all of our smaller frames. He was like a bodyguard right now, watching us to make sure nothing would happen. The quiet boy turned to look at me and smiled softly before gazing fondly at the two 18 year olds just in front of us. The shorter, silver haired had a firm grip on my hand as he skipped along, conversing with the five foot eleven blonde. The look Jaden gave the other two boys was loving. It was a look of fondness and adoration. It was a look all the boys seemed to have when they looked at each other. What did it mean?

»»————- ♡ ————-««

“Sweets!”  
“Chocolate!”  
“Swee-”  
“CHOCOLA-”  
“Will you both shut up.”

I stood behind Jaden, clutching the back of his shirt as he scolded the two arguing boys. We were standing in the middle of a sweet shop when Jake and Jed decided to have an argument about which was better: sweets or chocolate. At one point they even tried to drag me into it, but I immediately shut them down and hid behind the much taller and older male. I quivered on the spot, not liking the shouting they were doing. It was a little unsettling, but I knew they would never mean to scare someone, or me, on purpose. I was just a little sensitive to their loud voice while in public. 

“I’m sorry, Freddie, I didn’t mean to frighten you.” The previously arguing boys were now standing in front of me, shuffling their feet and looking at the floor guilty.

“Yeah, I’m sorry. We got out of hand and didn’t think to see how we were scaring you.” Jed stepped towards me as he said that, gently taking my hand in his and giving me a little pull.  
I came away from my hiding place behind Jaden, curious on what Jed wanted. The taller, silver eyed boy pulled me into a soft hug. He didn’t crush me in his arms and placed them loosely around my lower back so I could step back if it got too much. That didn’t happen though. Instead I gingerly wrapped my own slender arms around his midsection and squeezed lightly, accepting the apology he gave. I felt a hand stroke my hair slowly, rubbing just behind my ears as if I were a cat. I nudged my head into the palm and looked up to see Jake smiling with closed eyes. I unraveled one arm from Jed and reached out to Jake, inviting him into the hug. He walked in quite happily, keeping one hand on my head, petting me and the other resting on top of mind that was around Jed’s midsection.   
We stood there for a little while just in each other’s embrace and I could feel my eyes dropping. A yawn escaped my lips and my shoulders slumped a little. The warmth I had gained from the two sources of body heat moved away and I whined from the loss of contact. Not really knowing what I was doing, I reached out to the blonde haired boy silently asking for him to come back. From behind my half lidded eyes, I could see him look up to Jaden who smiled softly at the boy and nod before Jake approached me. 

“I’m going to need you to hop onto my back, Freddie, is that okay?” He had crouched down a little so I could see him and hear him a little better with my sleepy senses.

I nodded and wrapped my arms around his neck before pushing off of the floor and onto his back when he was ready. Jake bounced me up a little higher on his back and kept a hold on my thighs so I wouldn’t fall. My head rested in the crook of his neck and I slowly slipped away into dreamland.


	6. Chapter Six

When we had finally arrived home, both Ethan and Danny decided to tease me about my tired state. The small group of us had entered the house with myself still on Jake’s back. The two eldest happened to be in the hallway at the time and took most of the opportunity. The only issue was that in my sleepy state, I didn’t process what was happening and grumbled incoherent noises into Jake’s shoulder. After those few moments, Jake took me away and carried me all the way upstairs and into my room.  
Now I’m lying on my bed, trying to wake myself up. Slowly, I rolled onto my side and hauled my way to standing. I mentally decided it would be a good idea to take a shower to stimulate my mind. I made my way sluggishly to the bathroom, grabbing a towel on the way. I stripped of my clothes and carefully unwrapped my wrist. The scarred and red skin, showing both new and old cuts. The sliced skin, reminding me of the times everything just got too much. Sighing, I turned on the shower and slipped in. The hot water released the tension in my back muscles and my tiredness dissipated. I stared down at the ceramic floor, watching the water wash away down the drain. I started to wash my body, the sting of my wrist comforting me.

It didn’t take me too long to wash myself and to do my hair, but of the time I just stood there thinking. I turned the knob and the water stopped flowing. The cold now seeping into my skin, shivering I made my way to step out of the shower. I paused for a moment to take in the soaking floor, reaching for my towel I grabbed it and wrapped it around my waist before stepping out slowly onto the bath mat. It didn’t go as planned. As I was about to bring my back foot onto the mat also my foot slipped. It slipped and my whole body went with it. I couldn’t tell what was up; down; left or right… it just blurred together. There was a bang as my hip made awkward contact with the floor and the tub and my left foot seemed to scrape across the floor. I braced my hands and luckily didn’t fall and hit my head. I gave myself a minute and just led there, mentally assessing the damage I caused myself. My foot had gone numb from the blood rushing to it and my hip throbbed. The pain was minimal, but I knew the adrenaline would wear off soon enough and that’s when I would feel the real pain. With my eyes starting to water, I swiveled my legs around so they were in front of me.  
There was a knock at the door. Someone must’ve heard me fall and came to see what happened.

“Freddie, are you okay? Can I come in?”

I sucked in a sharp breath, my hip and foot starting to burn. It was Mr Connor. I groaned, watching as the door cracked open and finally seeing the tall man in the doorway. He looked down worryingly and came forward to kneel at my feet. Without talking, he assessed the damage to my lower body. His blue eyes bore into my own and I looked down. Bringing my right hand up to my chest, I clenched it into a fist. The movement wasn’t necessarily slow, but the black haired male seemed to catch the rotation I made on my chest.

‘Sorry.’

The sign was simple and I looked at my hands as they rested on my lap, not wanting to look up.

“Don’t be sorry, sweets. You did nothing wrong. It was all just a little accident, okay.” His voice was soft and soothing.

I nodded and let the older man help me up and sit me down on my bed. He didn’t wait around too long, but I was sure he had a lot of work to do. Smiling, Mr Connor came over and stood just in between my legs. Bending down, he placed a light kiss on my forehead before smirking and leaving the bedroom.   
My face had flushed a deep crimson and I was sure you could see the steam rise. I whined and flopped back onto my duvet only to groan in pain from the pressure on my hip.

‘Goddammit.’

»»————- ♡ ————-««

A small head of blue hair peeped from around my door. A plate and a set of arms appeared soon after, then to be followed by the full body of Dylan. The brown eyed boy smiled and raised the plate up and towards me.

“Hi, I got you food.” The small boy came forward and sat next to me on the bed, placing the plate with the lasagne just to the side of him. 

I smiled back shyly and sat myself up so I was sitting against the backboard of my bed with my knees bent and pressed to my chest. I flitted my eyes all over the room, trying to avoid eye contact with the cute boy in front of me. I hummed a small tune and very briefly looked into the eyes that stared down at my huddled form. Dylan shuffled over so he was a little closer to me and brought the plate of lasagne onto his lap. I watched his large-ish hands as they moved around and cut up the lasagne, taking a piece onto the fork. He lifted the fork and brought it to my face, making my eyes cross as I watched it coming closer and closer. I tilted my head to one side, not knowing what to do with it.

“Open up, Freddie.” Dylan chuckled at me and plopped the pasta and bolognese layers into my mouth when I did.

I let out a pleasurable moan as I chewed on the food. It tasted amazing and I knew Danny and Ethan had been cooking. I looked up with a red blush to see Dylan chuckling to himself. He looked cute with the face he was making and it made me want to reach out to him. I did just that. I reached out a hand and placed it gently on his cheek. I brushed my thumb over the smooth and pale-ish skin, smiling and the velvety feel. Dylan’s chuckling vanquished at my actions and he stared down at me in shock. He obviously didn’t expect to see such action come from me. He smiled though. A close eyed smile, bringing up his free hand to cover my own. The warmth spread to the back of my hand, shooting tingles down my arm. It was a gentle and loving feeling; it was something I wanted to feel more of. I sat back and waited. Waiting for him to continue so I could do what I really wanted to do. Dylan seemed to understand at least a little bit and continued to feed me small pieces of lasagne until the plate was fully cleared. I took the clear plate from his lap and placed it on the floor along with the cutlery he held. I could feel him watching me as I took a deep breath, knowing that this would be a very big thing for me to do. I adjusted myself so I was on my knees and crawled my way to the blue haired boy. He was sitting there stark still as I did this, watching my moves carefully. Shyly, I sat myself next to him with a small bit of room in between us and laid down. My head rested on top of the boy’s lap and my actions made myself blush in embarrassment. I covered my face with my hands and buried my head into Dylan’s thighs, waiting for him to do something.   
It took a little time, but sure enough Dylan moved his hands into my dirty blonde hair and played with it, running his fingers through every strand and brushing it out of my face and behind my ears. Neither of us spoke a word, not that I would speak, we just sat there in a contented silence, embracing each other’s presence. It was all I wanted at the moment.

»»————- ♡ ————-««

It had been a few days since I slipped when coming out of the shower and my hip was sporting a black and blue bruise. It had become the size of a rounder's ball and I was having to live in loose shorts so the pressure was never too much.   
I was sitting curled up in the corner of the sofa, playing songs over and over again in my head. Most of the boys had left the house to get out into town, but me being lazy and it hurting too much to walk ended up staying in this huge house. I believe both Jaden and Ethan were still asleep somewhere upstairs as I remember Jake and Jed laughing about how they stayed up too late. I was somewhat confused at the statement, but ended up ignoring it and going back to eating my breakfast. I had no idea of the time now, but if I could guess it would have to be past midday. I leaned back and closed my eyes to try and get some more rest, but the opening of a door and the heavy footfalls coming down the stairs woke me back up.

“You didn’t go with them then, Freddie?”

I re-opened my eyes to see Ethan towering over me. I shook my head and went back to closing my eyes, humming out a sigh. There was a quiet chuckle soon followed by the lifting of my feet and the dipping of the sofa cushions. I squint my eyes to see Jaden sitting with my feet lounging across his lap. His dark brown eyes meeting my own. He smiled softly and spoke up.

“How are you feeling?”

I averted my gaze and shrugged my shoulders, the memories of what happened just a few days ago, resurfacing. I felt guilty for him having to see me like that and I knew he hadn’t told Mr Connor of what happened either as I knew he would’ve asked to speak to me. I looked up to see a pointed look coming from the older male which was followed by a light pinch to my shin.  
How did I feel though? I didn’t know if I actually felt anything at the moment. It was like I was empty, but not.  
I looked down to my stomach where my hands lay, now fiddling with my hoodie. I stayed silent, not knowing what to say or do. I don’t know if I was ready to spill my feelings out to someone. I didn’t even know if I would be comfortable enough to talk to them. I started to panic. The thoughts of worry and guilt rushed through and back again on an endless loop. I pushed it all down and only let the anxiety and panic show in my shaky hands. I took a deep breath in through my nose and let it out through my mouth, attempting to gain control of my breathing before Jaden noticed. Sadly, it didn’t go exactly how I planned it to go. I didn’t even hear the footsteps from behind me and before I knew it, I was being picked up by my armpits and moved to sit up in between Jaden and Ethan. I was caged in the middle of these two giant men. I felt tiny next to them and I followed the urge and pulled both knees to my chest, locking my hands under my thighs. 

“It’s just us here, sweets. We can’t push you into speaking, but we need you to tell us the truth.” Ethan had moved his hand to rest on the small of my back, rubbing circles into the skin. 

I opened my mouth only to close it a second after. Jaden moved himself closer to me so we were now sitting thigh to thigh. He rested his large hand on the thigh closest to Ethan and squeezed it gently, reassuring me.

“I feel empty, but confused.”

The words just flowed out of my mouth. No stutter. No voice crack. Just a little quiet and with little emotion. 

“How are you confused?” Jaden spoke up before Ethan could and the later moved us once more so he was sat with his back against the armrest and my back was against his chest.

I wasn now facing the burgundy haired male and I strangely felt safe like this.

“I’m not even certain myself.”

Ethan and Jaden didn’t push it any further, but I knew they had something planned. Other than that they spoke to each other and told me stories about some of the boys and themselves. It was relaxing and we continued to do that for the next few hours. 

»»————- ♡ ————-««

A hand rested on my shoulder, turning my attention from Jake and Jed wrestling with each other. Mr Connor stood over me with both Ethan and Jade just to the side of him. They smiled at me and it was like I knew where this was going, so I stood up motioned with my eyes to lead the way. The two taller and slightly older boys lead the way towards a door I had never been bothered to look at. It was a deep brown almost black and there was a lock on the handle. Ethan pushed the door open and walked in soon to be followed by Jaden. I stared worryingly at the door and a slight squeeze on my shoulder along with a little nudge from Mr Connor made me take the steps in.  
It was a small-ish room with just two sofas and a coffee table in the centre. It was very simplistic with earthy tones and minimal furniture. It was sweet and felt homely. I looked around to see Ethan and Jaden sat down on one of the brown sofas, sitting calmly. They looked a little tense from the rigid lines in their faces and that made me worry just a little. Mr Connor walked with me to the little seating area and sat down on the sofa opposite to the younger boys. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I was frozen in place. Not out of anxiety or panic, but more of indecisiveness and unsurety. The burgundy haired and brown haired males sighed, gently pulling me into his chest so I was straddling him backwards. I gasped a little at the sudden action, but soon relaxed from my frozen mess and settled down into his lap. Jaden’s hands made work to massage my hips and stomach, keeping his own hands busy as well as keeping me calm. Ethan had soon wiggled his way just a little closer to both Jaden and I, taking my hand in his and just holding it. His hand was warm and surprisingly soft. They were both comforting and it made my stomach flutter in delight. 

“Have you been settling in okay, Freddie?” Mr Connor spoke up, a gentle smile playing at his lips. 

I nodded back and I almost went to speak, but the reminder of me saying something wrong immediately shut me up.

“I know you don’t want to be talking about things such as this, but I need to make sure you’re okay. It’s come to my attention that you’ve been struggling a little and have been having a tough time mentally. Can you tell us a little about what’s going on, sweetheart?” 

I tensed up at the question and statement. I didn’t know if I was ready. Did I trust them and myself to talk about this sort of thing. Maybe? I don’t know… They wouldn’t push me into explaining everything would they? No, they wouldn’t. They aren’t like that. At least I don’t think so. I took a breath in and released it slowly, preparing myself to talk. I needed to do this. If not for them, then for myself.

“I struggle to deal with emotions and since day one they’ve been overwhelming.” It was a single sentence. Just one, but a sense of pride filled my chest knowing that maybe I could get somewhere.

I felt a light, warm touch to the crown of my head, looking up to see Jaden retreating from where his lips had made contact. A light blush coated my cheeks only to deepen when a certain green eyed male leant down and whispered the words “Good boy.” into my ear. I was almost choking on my own saliva at the praise, but I swallowed it down and waited for what was to be said next.

“I’m sorry you’ve been feeling this way, Freddie and I am disappointed in myself for not noticing your feelings sooner. Please forgive me. I should’ve been looking out for you, but I guess I haven’t been doing that enough.” The oldest male looked distressed and guilty. He had his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. It upset me to see such a strong man like this.   
I looked down at my hands sadly. I didn’ want his to feel like this. It’s not his fault. It’s no ones fault but my own.

“Don’t apologise for something you are not at fault for,” I looked up to see Mr Connor staring at me intently. I felt slightly intimidated at that, but I didn’t let it show, “They were my problems to deal with and due to my carelessness they got the best of me. It’s not the first time it has happened and I doubt it will be the last… I just hope that maybe I can learn to trust someone enough to go to them.”

After that, tears started to swell up in my eyes and a lump got caught in my throat. I knew I would be struggling to talk for a little bit and I prayed I had said enough.

“You say that, but I believe you have already learnt a lot about trust, sweets.” Ethan moved his hand away from mine and I unintentionally whined at the loss of contact only to be rewarded with a small chuckle and the caressing of my cheek.   
The fluttering in my stomach reappeared, but this time a whole lot stronger than the previous times. I looked down questioningly at my stomach trying to decipher what I was feeling. Well, it could have been multiple things: anxiety, nerves, love? No. That is one feeling I have never felt and know I never will. I can’t ruin their lives too. 

There was a small flick to my ear lobe and I looked to see Mr Connor knelt in front of me with his hands resting on Jaden’s thighs.   
“Stop thinking like that. It’s unhealthy.”

“You’re unhealthy…” I mumbled under my breath.

“What was that, hmm?” 

I shook my head stating it was nothing and they said nothing even though they knew I was lying. 

“Okay, come on then. I think it’s a bit of a long day and I think we all need some down time with movies.” The 6’4” male stood up as he said that and walked out of the room, leaving me with the other two giants. 

I sighed and cuddled down just a little into Jaden’s chest, not minding when he picked me up and carried me like a child on his hip. Ethan soon followed us and we left the small room and headed back to wherever we were going.


End file.
